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Miserable to the max: 8 ways to make your job-hunt TERRIBLE

Posted by | April 1, 2018 | Job hunters, Looking for work

Job-hunting can be tough! After a few weeks, the rejection emails start trickling in. Doubt begins to bloom: what if you don’t get a job, ever? This April 1st we’ve decided to drop the optimism and embrace the dark side. Liz has eight handy tips to make your job-hunt truly terrible. We hope you hate every second of it.

Please note: this post is intended to be a lighthearted look at the challenges of job-hunting. If you’re concerned about your own or a friend’s mental health, you might want to consider finding a counsellor or calling a Helpline.

 

Photo of Margot Tenenbaum

Bonus for play-writing like Margot T.

#1 Don’t eat your greens

It’s simple: don’t look after the basics. Actions include:-

  • Avoiding adequate hydration.
  • Shunning greens, protein and healthy fats.
  • Not taking any exercise. A walk? Nah.
  • Drinking lots of coffee. All the time. Not decaf.

Follow this one tip and you’ll be sorted!

 

Photo of Richmond Avenal

Why not become a recluse like Richmond?

#2 Don’t leave the house

Leaving the house and doing something productive or fun will decrease your misery, guaranteed. 

  • That koha yoga class down the road? Don’t do it.
  • Heading to People’s Coffee for a brew with Graham? Stay away.
  • Going for a walk up Mt Victoria? Forget it.

Bonus points if the sun is out or there’s cake involved.

 

Photo of Lydia Deetz

Lydia didn’t need a routine. You don’t either.

#3 Don’t follow a routine

Routines can make almost anything more bearable. Stay away from them!

DON’T: plan out times to wake, sleep, job-seek or visit friends.

DO: keep your hours as chaotic and disorganised as possible. Sleep all day on Monday and then try to apply for jobs for 10 hours straight on Tuesday. 

 

Photo of Wednesday Addams

Apply like Wednesday loathes Pugsley.

#4 Apply for jobs ALL THE TIME

Rest? No! Stress? Yes!

Ramp up the tension and apply for jobs constantly. Not applying right now? Dwell on it to the detriment of all other activities.

Berating yourself helps too. I’d recommend 60% applying, 30% berating. You choose how you spend the remaining 10%. 

 

Photo of Snape

Perfect your Snape scowl.

#5 Don’t work on personal projects

Do you have some extra time up your sleeves? Definitely don’t:

  • Make a vase with your ceramicist aunt.
  • Start training for that half-marathon.
  • Get back to teaching yourself to code.

Avoid doing any projects that give you personal satisfaction: it’s an antidote to angst.

 

Photo of Roland Deschain

Roland’s focus was revenge. What’s yours?

#6 Focus on your dream job, ignore everything else

There! You’ve found it: the perfect job: Executive Puppy Brusher for the SPCA. It’s got your name written all over it, in adorable fur. 

Amp up your anguish by banishing all thoughts of alternative employment from your brain. Put all your eggs in one delicate kete. If your Puppy Brusher dream job falls through? Your anguish = legendary. 

 

Photo of April Ludgate

April wins. She hates all jobs.

#7 Apply for jobs you wouldn’t accept

Lean in to the panic, and apply for every single job you can. Especially the ones you wouldn’t actually do. The result will either be: 

  • You waste a huge amount of time, OR
  • You get a job that you’ll quit in 2 weeks.

Your melancholy will be magnified either way. Win-win! 

 

Image of Squidward

Ain’t easy staying as miserable as Squidward.

#8 Don’t ask for help

There’s a strong chance that asking for help will make a HUGE difference to your job-hunt.

Thinking of doing a Facebook shout-out for suggestions? Nah. Could your ex-boss hook you up? Stop emailing her right now. Need a rant and a beer with a mate? Bottle those feelings right up.

Avoid asking for help at all costs. 

 

Have you followed all our eight tips? Congratulations! You’re set to stay as miserable as possible during your job-hunt. Keen to stay healthy and productive instead? Why not flip them around and do the opposite instead. Either way, happy April Fool’s from Do Good Jobs!

Header photo by Justin Veenema on Unsplash

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